Numbness

Have been feeling quite numb lately.
Depression suddenly kicked in on Thurs night&I was a mess.
Was so numb&scared. Txt my boyf but he didn't reply for ages.
Then on fri I txt my best friend&she did reply for hours.
Felt so aweful and scared.
Being numb is truely terrifying. Cried for hours on Thurs&Fri.
My boyf came round fri & gave me lotsa cuddles.
He was meant to leave early but I had a bad breakdown =s
So he stayed&we watched Prince of Persia.
Mum saw me crying when Levi brought me inside on fri night.
So had to tell her about the depression getting bad again. Didn't want to but I don't lie, so yeah =(
She mentioned counselling again. I just need to go to a better doc & get stronger meds.
Want to feel happy again. Not in so much pain then numb.
=(
Sorry for the sad post
Much love.
Misaki <3

Life in the Kitty lane

Been pretty sick lately.
Stress and life with endo =s
Endometriosis...nasty disease.
Was in agony on Thurs and very sick Sat.
Lost quite a bit of weight, not liking that at all. Not keen to fall back into old habits.
Still feeling pretty sick, but almost finished sugar pills, so no more pain! YAHHHH! ^_^

Felt soooo restless yesterday! Wanted to change something big in my life. Still do.
No idea what. Working on learning all the road code I need for my learners.
And almost finished the careers quiz that I need to do to go see the careers advisor and get my future sorted. No idea what I want to do yet. What I want to be.
Trying really hard to get that all sorted. Want to make my boyfriend proud of me.
To have him point at me proudly and say "that's my girlfriend over there."
One day!
I want to make something of myself, something of my life.
I want to make a difference!
I want to be the light that shines in others lives. Which helps them.
I want to make a difference in others lives.

One day I want to be a different person. Am working on it at the moment.
Someone self assured. Happy. Confident. Beauty from the inside which shines outward.
Someone new. Different. Content. Someone with stronger faith. Strength.
Unconditional love with no past baggage. Someone without depression, suicidal tendencies. I want to be able to love freely. Patient. I want to be able to trust others.
To completely forgive and not be hurt by past reminders of pain.
I want to be a new person. And with Christ, I can be.
He's working in me already. Feeling so at peace. I just need to give it all to him daily and ask for the Holy Spirit to work in me. <3

I'll be someone new. Someone easier to love.

=^_^=
Love, Misaki.

My best friend has disappeared

My best friend&daughter disappeared last week, 1 week&3 days ago.
I have no idea what happened to her.
A massive part of me has gone.
There is just a hole where she left.
My boyfriend & I went looking in ditches for her, nothing.
My sister&I searched our whole property, nothing.
She called all the vets, shelters&animal control, nothing.
It's as if she disappeared.

The last time I saw her was 22.10.2010, as I was leaving for camp, I picked her up and put her outside, hurridly saying goodbye.
I wish I'd stopped, picked her up&just held her, saying how much I love her.
Now she's gone and I can't.
There are no more meows at the doors&windows.
No more tripping me down the stairs.
No more jumping on our laps while my boyfriend&I are cuddling on the couch.
My baby girl is gone, and not coming back.
She kept me company during the days.
She knew when I was sad, and would curl up to me, keeping me company.

There is a hole. A big, empty space. Missing.

I'm sick of the tears. I'm sick of the pain.
I just want my baby girl back with me, where she should be.
This is NOT RIGHT!
Love her so much.

Feel so empty.


R.I.P Chaos, wherever you are.
Mummy loves you so much <3
Always&Forever.

xxx